The week of 20 Oct was about long conference calls, reacting to requests from emails, back to back meetings, late and 10-15min lunches at the office cafe and no exercise. I realised I ate out every night, either with colleagues for bonding purposes or catch-up with friends I haven't met for a while. Eating out and talking to non colleagues kind off helped me to unwind, therefore enabled me to manage a fair good sleep, instead of sleepless nights worrying about work I couldn't do well. Lucy said I have been very hard on myself. I couldn't understand I struggled, perhaps wrong job for me? Worse, in the abyss of delusions and lies to myself. As I began to doubt myself, I began to doubt everything else.
I wasn't comforted at all by the fact I was not the only one having a tough time. Their issues didn't matter to me. One received tons of complaints over some printing quality and Struggler-for-time had a tiff with our boss. The tiff was just a tipping point of her being new to hard London, long working hours and being alone. The stress could drive anyone nuts. My tough week was her every week since she joined the group in March. I felt sorry which she reassured there was nothing for me to feel sorry for. I dread the thought of every week being like this week. It would be fucking "mental".
Flash Forward, a showed mentioned by one of the people at a meeting was the new hot show. I watched the first last Thursday night and watched the rest today. I surfed online for spoilers to make sure I understood the show and hopefully the new ones :) No success on next episode yet. The show seemed to bring out the TV couch potato in me all over again, I was crazy about Heroes though it was quite easy to give up while being busy and then tired after work. I felt something to look forward to again, a TV show about people anticipating what they would be in 6 months because they saw it for 2 min 17 secs when they went unconscious. I love the concept and the darkness of the story line, not exactly stress-free show huh.
If I blackout for 137mins, I would hope I see the end of the tunnel for what I am currently going through. Can I survive in this new group, new responsibilities, stupid politics, stupid competition and the concept of living in the present. Am I sure about having a childless future, away from family? I'm sure about the choices I made albeit being clouded with mysterious doubts. 6 months ain't enough. Wait, I am contradicting and confused. Only God knows.
The sun is out as I blog, oh well let's get out and have a short run in the nice weather. Worry will return later.